Thursday, April 8, 2010

Carpe Manana - Again

I pray for the visitation of my childhood dreams - those I incoherently long for in my exhausted-adult sleep-state. I want them back! The ones that woke me up early - excited to play my guitar before breakfast. The ones that gave me energy to walk several miles home from school, eat a quick snack so I could sing and play for hours at my beloved piano - the huge old upright given to me by Maida Mark, my grandmother.

Are those dreams still hovering there in the ether? The ones that kept me believing that someday I would write and record songs that would be played on the radio? Those dreams came and inspired me to give myself to the discipline of the doing, the reaching, the persevering, the believing and I did it! I wrote the songs, recorded them, and heard them on the radio!

I did all of that before I was twenty-four years old. If I did that then, I should be able to do all of that and more, now, as a middle-age woman. Have life's experiences worn me so far down that I don't dream anymore? Is it simply about energy? Do I have a certain number of bars on the battery and that's it?

I once fully believed it was possible to do what was revealed to me in the night. What changed? Are my dreams and visions now dulled, blurred by the need to grasp at security? Helen Keller once profoundly stated that security is an illusion.

I need my dreams on perpetual-recycle to keep reminding me that I can still, at any age, live the life I was conceived and born to live. Carpe Manana

Pax,
Pam Mark hall

5 comments:

  1. I just wrote a comment and the sign in system ate it. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. :)

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  2. I truly understand. So many of my dreams turned to vapor as I grew older. I get so consumed by reality, practical and affordable that I no longer reach for the stars, believe in dreams or step out of my box. I *know* God calls us to keep dreaming. I see the examples set out in the Word of men like Caleb who took on the toughest part of the Promised Land in his 80's.

    We get burdened with possessions, responsibilities and history. We need to lay those down and remember how to travel lightly.

    blessings,
    -d

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  3. Fiona Sanders4/8/10, 10:42 AM

    Probably about a year ago I went someplace quiet, all alone, and thought about what my dreams were as a child. I realized that I have been able to accomplish many of them, and that was encouraging. But there were some that have been left dormant that I took out and dusted off, and created "Fiona's Wish List". I typed it, printed it, and it is in the front of my notebook that holds my schedule etc.

    I try to look at it every couple of weeks or so and see what I can fit in, or set aside time for (sometimes you DO have to be intentional), or what steps I can take for some of the big ones.

    Like I said it was heartening to see what I had already done, and inspiring to see what I still have left in me.

    God bless, Fiona

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  4. I had dreams once, Pam. I appreciate your encouragement through sharing your soul with us. My dreams need not be over, either. Just because nothing has come of them yet (except that I am leading worship for my God, and I'm pleased to be doing that), doesn't mean they are failed. I desperately don't want to be that guy in the final chorus of "Comfortably Numb." "When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse/Out of the corner of my eye/I turned to look and it was gone/I cannot put my finger on it now/The child is grown, the dream is gone/I have become comfortably numb." Those are the saddest song lyrics I have ever heard. I've become an instant fan of your blog! Thank you!

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  5. Thanx everyone. These are beautiful comments.

    Wizard, I'm too trying to lighten my load to return to the center of carefree - child-like being/playing/creating/loving/sharing.
    @Fiona - I love your concept of "Fiona's wish list" I have journal after journal after journal of visioning, revisioning, re-committing, planning, stumbling towards those dreams. I refuse to give up on them.
    @Bickley - I agree - I don't wanna go out numb - I want to burn as brightly as I can - even if I'm just one little flame in the dark.

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